I had an emotional day today.  Actually, the last few days have been emotional. Nugget has been sick and anyone with a kid knows that a sick child can be just as depressing and scary as anything you’ve ever experienced.  Out the window went to-do lists, plans, play dates, laundry, grocery shopping….all of it-right out the window.  All I could even think about while he was feeling sick, was trying to make him feel better.  To bring back that mile=wide smile, the giggle and all the hugs that I am so honored to get over the course of our days.  I held him, rocked him, gave him his remedies, made tons of meals that went uneaten, watched enough Sprout to last us a lifetime and just prayed.  A lot.   See, I’m one of those Moms that wakes up in the night, in a cold sweat and rushes  to her son’s crib to check to make sure he is still breathing.   Or to see if he has tried to climb out of his crib, gotten his shirt caught and hung himself.  Or somehow managed to suffocate himself in his blanket.  Or maybe someone has broken into the house  and taken him from us.  Yes, I am just that kind of Mom.  I have lingering PPD I think.  I know all those fears are a little illogical, crazy if you will..but that’s just who I am.  I believe a lot of it stems from  not feeling worthy of being Mom to such a perfect little creature.  That perpetual feeling of “when’s the fantasy going to end? or “it all eventuallly fades away so why try to enjoy it?”

I deny myself a lot of joy a lot of the time.  I spend a lot of time trying to ignore the fact that I’m pretty pissed off at my parents.  Well, who isn’t really, right?  My anger gets in the way of joy that I know is just on the horizon.  I constantly wait for the other shoe to fall and for the disappointment to come that I know is right around the corner.  Sort of like my fears with losing my son.  Same as losing my husband, my home, my friends…my own life.   It’s this impending doom that is going to get me.  So…where is this coming from?  Well, today I met a woman who gave me a snapshot of where this might be coming from AND…a chance to turn it all around.

Now, listen to me very carefully.  I have been shrunk my entire life and NO I am not a danger to myself or my son.  So do NOT fucking call CPS on me and have my kid taken away from me.  If you do, I will find you, burn your house down and kill your family.  Really?  Nah…just kidding.   But seriously, don’t fuck with me.

Ok – I met a wise women today who shared with me something called karmic life.  Basically that means you get what you have given in this life. Whatever you put out, you get back.  And if you believe in reincarnation (I do) then karmic life also pertains to your past lives.  If you gave a bunch of shit in a past life…that’s probably what you’re going to get back in  your current life.  BUT you get to keep coming back until you have learned all the life lessons that your soul needs to reach enlightenment.  She told me that I chose the life that I have…before I was even born. And that the harder the life lessons, the greater the reward.  I guess in a nutshell, the family cycle of abandonment will continue unless I get it right this go round.  And I picked this life for a reason and she thinks it’s to “get it right” this time.  To learn the lesson and break the cycle.  She also said I may not have been a very nice person in a past life which is why I feel and think the way I do.  Sort of like, I’m getting what I deserve!

I need to dig deeper…to learn more about my karmic life and what I need to do to accept certain things, let them go and move on. I don’t want to continue this cycle and I want to experience true JOY in my life!!!  I don’t want to waste anymore time wondering what if all of these awful things happen.  Life is so short, right?

Do you believe in reincarnation?  Karmic lives?  Are you living a joyful, loving life?

Naturally yours,
Dalllas