It seems like yesterday we were bringing Kiran home.  That was eight months ago…seems like a blink.  I always knew I wanted to have a family of my own.  My parents split when I was a baby, both remarried and neither of them found happiness.  So my biggest goal in life was to be something other than, well, them.  Something bigger, smarter, happier, saner…than either of them.  I do feel like I am those things and I know that my life is finally on the right path.  I know that my husband loves me and sees our marriage as a good thing..something gone right in a world that is sometimes not.  We struggled to have a baby.  Several miscarriages and the dreaded “unexplained infertility”.  I found myself at the lowest point I had ever been in my life…and trust me, there have been so pretty low points. 

We were on a break from baby making when we got pregnant with Kiran.  And something inside of me just knew that is was the one.  I knew in my heart that this baby would come to be and completely change my life. I didn’t have any of the anxiety I had with the other pregnancies and I was weirdly peaceful.  I didn’t even call my doc until I was several weeks along.  Which was unusual because with the previous pregnancies I immediately rushed to my doc’s office demanding blood panels, betal level checks and due dates.  Those babies never came to us but this one I just knew he would be ours. 

So anyway – here we are 17 months later and I just can’t believe it’s gone by so fast.  I can remember wishing away time as my pregnany dragged on and on and on.  And now, when I look at him I just want to hold on to every single second of the day.  Every day he is changing and growing and becoming one day older than before.  I try not to think about tomorrow or next week or upcoming holidays or birthdays because I just feel like it pushes time out in front of us and what I really want to do is throw away all of my calendars, watches, clocks..anything related to time because when I look at these things to see what is coming up…I have to acknowledge what has gone by.  And I hate it.  I want everything to slow down right now!  “Just hold on a sec!” is what I want to shout!  But I’m not that crazy to actually believe I can slow down the progression of time. 

I said to Kiran yesterday as we were playing on the living room floor, “Please just don’t grow up too fast, ok?”  He looked up at me with those huge hazel eyes and for a split second I thought he understood me.  He just stared at me and smiled that huge crooked-toothed, drooly smile…and in that split second, time stood perfectly still.  I memorized every curve of his face, every single speckle in color of his eyes, every eyelash…all burned into my memory forever.  I know he’s going to grow up and leave me some day for his very own life adventure.  I know that time is going to sail by me…I know it will.  But for now, I plan on really, I mean really, living in each and every second that time gives me. 

Naturally yours – Dallas

Tomorrow Kiki is going to have two different surgeries on his privates.  I’m not scared about the surgery itsef, I am just a little nervous about all the drugs that they are going to give him.  I remember being in the hospital when he was born and how quiet he was all the time.  He only cried when he was hungry or when the crazy LC was rubbing cold coke cans on his feet to get him to wake up to eat.  (Yes, I wanted to punch her lights out.)  Even after bringing him home, the first few days were like heaven…then I stopped taking my Percosets.  And all hell broke loose.  I thought someone had switched our babies!  He cried alot (still not too much) but it was alot more than right after he was born.  Then the perverbial light went off…I’m taking painkillers (C-section) and then breastfeeding him!  DUH!  I had come to terms with the fact that I had to have a c-section.  Of course I wanted a natural delivery with no or limited medical intervention….but an almost 9 lb baby stuck in your pelvis will derail those plans, like super quick.   But when I did the math and put it all together that whatever drugs I was taking would be passed on to him via my breastmilk and ultimately change his sweet personality somewhat….I stopped taking everything cold turkey.   What made me even more upset was that no one had told me this would happen.  I know what you’re thinking…”Stupid girl, of course it’s going to get passed down to him!”  That’s ok – you can think that all you want.  I didn’t know but once I did get my facts straight – I stopped taking those drugs and that’s all that matters.  I guess that’s one of the many reasons why I’m getting into this blog.  I want to share little nuggets of information that I’ve learned along the way.   Ok – back to the surgery.  It’s gotta be done and I would rather do it sooner than later in his life…but I hate drugs and I hate giving them to my son.  I know it’s only temporary and it’s a necessity but it still puts a fear in me.  Say a prayer for us tomorrow!

Naturally yours, Dallas